Gratitude

Dance is a community activity.  

In all cultures, from tribal to industrial, dance is a way for the community to congregate and share an experience together.  I believe there is something primal about dancing, an instinctual need to dance with others.  Even a soloist interacts with the audience.  Something about dancing in the living room with the DVD is not enough.  When living in a town that doesn't care about dance (or creativity for that matter), there's this constant feeling of rejection of who you are.  I'm a dancer.  I need to dance.  I didn't choose to be a dancer.  It's just who I am.  And living with the unrequited desire to connect and share through dance becomes too painful to endure.  For me, this was the core of my depression while living in Monticello.  Why I almost quit dance altogether.

It was not fair to feel this way.  There were people in Monticello who supported me.  I had a few students who completed a course of classes.  They would have continued if I had structured the classes differently. There were a few people who gave me leads on performance opportunities.  The studio owner kept scheduling my classes even though no one showed up week after week.  I'm extremely thankful now.  Back then, I should have shown more gratitude, but I was spoiled and immature.

Gratitude is a sign that we are grounded in reality.  Here in the present.

I was too enamored with my dream of making dance a career.  I had a clear vision of what that life would look like.  I lived in the experience of unlocking the door to my dance studio, watching the lights flicker on, and witnessing the studio come alive.  It beckons me to express the ideas and emotions stirring inside me, to fill the space that's safe and nurturing.  I then imagine classes in this dance studio.  The students learn and grow.  I guide them to become artists.  They work in this dance space, creating works of art.  They develop these works and get ready to set them free into the world.  I continue the cycle of dance and pass on the gifts my instructors have passed to me.

My beautiful dream, I wanted so badly to come true.  It's so beautiful, why wouldn't it?  It probably will one day once I acknowledge that reality is a factor.  Yes, it frustrated me that Monticello did not offer the same opportunities as other towns like Fayetteville.  Despite those limitations, there were plenty of things that would have given me self-fulfillment if I took the time to be grateful. There were opportunities.  I wasted them because I did not see them.  They existed in reality, and I was trapped in my perfect dream that demanded unrealistic expectations.

Resist the temptation to feel sorry for yourself, and instead, start listing your accomplishments.  The more detailed the better.  Then, go down the list and acknowledge them one by one, and say "I am grateful for (accomplishment)."

This creates a wave of positive focus, taking away the power that we give to negative thinking.

Here are just some examples I have acknowledged in my gratitude exercise:
I am grateful that I decided to become a Sister Studio while living in Monticello.
I am grateful that the studio owner gave me a key to the studio.
I am grateful that the studio owner trusted me enough to give me a key.
I am grateful that I lived so close to the dance studio.
I am grateful that living close to the studio helped me arrive early.
I am grateful that my music didn't work at the Mocha Madness show.
I am grateful that I had a chance to improvise with a group of musicians at Mocha Madness.

When I did this, I realized there were many things that deserved gratitude, especially when I remembered the mundane accomplishments and the undesirable circumstances that led to positive outcomes.  It's easy to take them all for granted, and still yet they are extremely beneficial.

I want to close with a thank you to my supporters I had in Monticello, Arkansas.  To protect their privacy, I will not name them specifically.  But you know who you are.  I want to say thank you so much for believing in me.  For knowing exactly what challenges were in front of me and yet in so many ways, you encouraged me to keep going.  I wish I did more back then to show the gratitude you all deserve.  Thank you.